LOIS VS CLARK: PRANK WARS
by Ballyuk
Summary: Lois and Clark play a series of little pranks on each other. Who gets the upper hand though? Set between 4x16 (Lucy) and 4x22 (Commencement).
1. Lois 1, Clark 0

**Author's Note: I do not own the characters. One thing I've tried to do with my writing is make it fit with the characters as they are at any particular time. This is just a bit of humour based on a series of harmless pranks between Clark and Lois. I was trying to capture the competitive nature, effortless ability to wind one another up and yet ultimately have a soft spot for one another - all to the amusement of everybody around them - that was a feature of their characterisation in season 4. Please leave comments and advice, as it would be much appreciated.**

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 **LOIS VS. CLARK: PRANK WARS.**

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 **Chapter 1: Lois 1, Clark 0.**

Chloe and Lois had just returned to the farm from a shopping trip. It was actually Lois doing all the shopping but she'd managed to drag Chloe along with her with the promise of lunch as a sweetener. As Lois parked up, Jonathan's truck wasn't there so presumably he'd gone to stock up on supplies of something or other, as was often the case. Farm work never stopped.

As the girls climbed the stairs to the loft, Clark was there, as usual. Lois thought he was brooding again, as usual. Shelby wasn't around so they assumed he was back in the house snoozing, as usual. Clark was sat on his couch flipping through an astronomy book when he heard them. He looked up to see them heaving Lois' shopping bags, and put his book down.

"What are you guys up to?"

Chloe piped up first. "Well, Lois decided she wanted to get some new clothes and shoes so we've been out all morning shopping 'til we drop," before adding dryly, "Well, _I've_ nearly dropped since I'm the one who was left holding this little haul while Miss Picky over here wasn't satisfied with any of the 15 different purple shirts in that one store!"

In her defence, Lois retorted, "Well, _some_ of us have standards to uphold, and I'm sorry if the only available shirts were for Barbie dolls or drag queens."

With barely disguised snark, Clark looked at the numerous bags and deadpanned, "Wow Lois, did you leave anything else _but_ purple shirts in the store?"

Lois tilted her head to acknowledge the sarcasm and replied that she'd needed to replace a lot of her stuff anyway. She then asked Clark if he wanted to see it.

" _You_ want _my_ opinion on the stuff you just bought?"

"Well it's not red or blue or made of flannel, but you still might have an opinion," she said while lifting out a yellow blouse and a pair of hip-hugging jeans before adding in a slightly excited tone, "See?"

"Very nice, Lois", replied Clark, sounding as clearly disinterested as he was. He got up and headed for the stairs to make his way back into the house. The girls followed him. As they were walking, Lois noticed some tape on her finger which had obviously come off one of the items of clothing she'd just shown Clark. Thinking quickly and trying not to smile, she decided it was time for a little prank on him.

While he was busy shifting a few items from the coffee table in the living room, she walked into the kitchen and placed the tape on the end of the faucet, leaving just the top half of the faucet uncovered. She then sat down on the couch with Chloe as the girls were a little tired from their trip, as Clark was finishing tidying up.

"You know Clark, it's considered bad manners not to offer your thirsty guests a drink, wouldn't you say?" asked Lois, warming to her task.

Clark stood upright and sighed before plastering on a fake smile. "So Lois, what would you like to drink?"

"Oh, just a glass of water would be nice," replied Lois in a voice that was a little too sickly sweet to be genuine. Clark glanced in Chloe's direction and she acknowledged that she'd like the same, so he walked into the kitchen and took 3 glasses out of the cupboard before heading to the sink. Turning on the cold water, he was not expecting what happened next.

Instead of flowing down as normal, the water was redirected by the piece of tape straight towards Clark. Some of it splashed the bottom of his shirt but the majority made a beeline for his crotch. He couldn't react quickly enough and ended up shuffling back while leaning forward to turn off the water.

He turned around to face Lois and Chloe, and this was also the moment Jonathan and Martha had walked into the house. They stood there open mouthed and confused. Lois with pursed lips and an innocent expression on her face. Chloe breaking out into a grin. Clark with a soaking wet crotch and the onset of furious rage taking hold of his facial expression.

"Clark, what happened?" asked Martha.

"Clarkie pee-peed his panties!" replied Lois with a full pouty lip and a sad baby voice, looking at Clark, turning to look at Martha and then back to Clark. He glared at Lois, wiped his hands on a towel and threw it down on the kitchen counter before stomping off upstairs to his room.

Lois turned back to Jonathan and Martha and merely shrugged innocently as Chloe tried in vain to suppress the urge not to laugh.


	2. Clark 1, Lois 1

**Chapter 2: Clark 1, Lois 1.**

He waited. And waited. And waited. And waited some more.

Sat at the kitchen counter, Clark reached for the pitcher of orange juice and poured himself another glass. He'd already finished his plate of blueberry pancakes and bacon and had even munched on some French toast. Chores had been a breeze this morning so his father had gone into town with his mother to do a little shopping. Shelby lay snoozing by the fireplace in the living room which was still quite warm even though the fire had been put out last night. It was 10:30 in the morning.

And then he heard her stirring. The usual creak of the bed, the stifled yawn, the groan, the door opening and the shuffle to the bathroom. Though he couldn't make it out, he was sure that Lois was muttering to herself. She was at her grumpiest in the mornings. Just a few minutes in, he heard the shower start up. How long would it be today? 30 minutes? 1 hour? An hour and a half? He wondered how come Lois never seemed to look shrivelled like a prune despite seemingly spending half her day under hot water.

He got up, rinsed his glass in the sink quickly and made his way to the water control unit under the stairs. He shut off the valves to the pipes that fed hot and cold water to the shower upstairs and sat back down at the kitchen counter. More waiting. It wouldn't be long before…

"AAARRGGHHH! WHAT THE HELL? SMALLVILLE!"

Shelby's ears pricked up and he raised his head to look at Clark, before settling back to his nap. Clark held back a smirk and silently indicated the dog to shush as he slowly made his way up the stairs, knocking on the bathroom door.

"Lois, you called? What's up?"

"Smallville, what happened to the hot water? It just stopped running and I've still got shampoo in my hair and it's getting in my eyes!"

"Have you tried using the cold water instead?" he asked, trying not to laugh.

"Haha very funny. Is the shower broken or something?"

"Keep it running. I'll just go check the system," said Clark, going back downstairs and turning on the cold water valve. More waiting until…

"CLAAAARRRKKK!"

Lois had just been doused with a blast of cold water, and needless to say she was not a happy bunny. Clark then turned the hot water valve on, grinning like an idiot as he went back upstairs to ask Lois if the water was back on.

"Yeah it's fine now. What was wrong with it?" Lois called out while under the shower.

"It's an old system. Just needed a firm tap to get it going again. I'll talk to dad about it when he gets home," he replied.

A few minutes later as he was sat on the couch, he heard the bathroom door open and Lois go back to his room. Soon afterwards, she'd got dressed and walked downstairs, heading for the kitchen and a soothing cup of coffee.

Clark stared at her wide eyed and hiding his grin again, he made a show of looking at his watch before commenting, "Wow, 15 minutes. That might be a new record for you Lois."

She glared at him from above the rim of her coffee cup.


	3. Lois 2, Clark 1

**Chapter 3: Lois 2, Clark 1.**

Though the sun was out, it was still a chilly afternoon in Smallville. The weather forecasts were predicting a heavy snowstorm later in the evening and through the night. Winter seemed undecided as to whether to move into spring so the days had been alternating between the pleasant and the drab.

Lois walked out of the house and headed towards the barn where she knew Clark was still working. She wondered if she'd ever actually seen the tractor in use before as she could only recall Clark or Jonathan trying to repair it, or the time it miraculously rolled through the picket fence and into their front garden. Entering the barn, sure enough Clark was at work with Shelby sat to one side watching diligently. The dog turned to Lois and let out a soft bark before heading over to her.

"Getting bored huh boy?" said Clark while fully focussed on the tractor.

"Can't say I'm surprised, Smallville. That thing's been broken for like forever." Stifling the sneeze that she felt was coming, she picked up a small stone by her foot. "I could watch this stone erode in less time than it would take you to fix that heap of junk."

Clark stepped out from beside the tractor, noticing Lois had a large bag of clothing in her hand. He was wearing a white t-shirt even though it was still cold in the barn, which Lois found strange. He never seemed to feel the cold. He picked up a rag which was sitting on the tractor hood and wiped his hands. The rag was probably cleaner than his t-shirt which had more than a few oil stains on it. His red flannel shirt was hanging from a post by the barn door.

"Got the hot water going again didn't I? _No_ idea what happened there," he said with a mischievous glint in his eyes which caused Lois to narrow hers.

Clark looked again at the bag she was holding and asked if she was going somewhere.

"Yeah, Chloe asked me to stay at hers tonight. We're having a Brad Pitt marathon. Might throw in some Johnny Depp and maybe a little Guitar Hero. Pizzas, popcorn…"

"Ooh, chick flick fest. You know, if my skimpies weren't still in the laundry, I would _totally_ be on board," drawled Clark sarcastically.

Lois smirked. "Suit yourself. You'll only be missing out on all the fun."

"Actually, I'll have to give it a miss anyway. The weather's going to be pretty bad tonight and I still need to get out to the back field and repair a couple of fences. It'll be easier to do it before the snow hits."

"OK well, don't leave it too long. I think it's going to start snowing in the next hour or so, so I'm heading over to Chloe's right now. See ya," said Lois and turned around to head back out of the barn. Clark returned to work on the tractor and didn't notice that she'd swiped his flannel shirt.

A couple of hours later, Clark made his way down to the back fence carrying a few planks of wood and a hammer. The snow had already begun to fall and the light was very gloomy so he could super-speed to the site without worrying that he might be spotted. He wondered where he'd left his flannel shirt and could have sworn he'd hung it up in the barn, but he wasn't too concerned as the cold didn't affect him at all - he'd manage perfectly well wearing just the t-shirt. Just as he'd fixed the planks down, he noticed the scarecrow about 50 feet away.

"What?!"

He walked up to it and saw that the hat had been removed and was tucked into the post holding the scarecrow up. The 'hair' was a tangle of very dark hay, almost black. What really got his attention was the fact the scarecrow was wearing his red flannel shirt and his letterman jacket. There was a note sticking out of the shirt pocket so Clark reached up to grab it and read it.

 _Hello,_

 _My name is Clarkie the Plaid Man and I'm here to scare the birds away with my ability to super-brood._

 _Go Crows!  
_

Clark's jaw set and his hands tightened into fists by his side. He let out an angry huff and growled "Lois!" before removing the shirt and jacket and traipsing back to the house. Marching up to his room, he slammed the door shut and threw the shirt and jacket down by his feet. Running a hand through his hair as he contemplated the situation, he spotted Lois' night clothes on the chair beside the bed and her bunny slippers on the floor. His frown slowly changed into a smile with a mischievous glint, and he walked to the window to look outside where the snow had begun to fall more heavily. Perfect!

"Well Miss Lane, you asked for this. All's fair in love and war."


	4. Clark 2, Lois 2

**Chapter 4: Clark 2, Lois 2.**

"What do you think boy, reckon she'll love it?"

Clark stood there admiring his handiwork. Repairing the fence yesterday had taken less time than expected even without super-speed since the damage was minimal. Although Clark was impervious to the cold, he was glad not to have had to work out there in the gloom after the weather had taken the predicted turn for the worse during the previous evening. That the fence was OK meant one less thing to worry about this morning so he could concentrate on feeding the animals and stacking the hay. It was very chilly in the air since the temperature stayed around zero but the snowstorm had only delivered about 8 inches of snow whereas double that had been forecast.

Shelby cocked one eyebrow at his master's creation and let out a small whimper. Whether that was because he was cold and looked forward to the warmth and comfort of the house as well as a treat, or whether or not he was impressed by the creation in front of him, or whether he was simply confused, Clark couldn't say for sure. For his part, Clark believed he'd captured the essence of his muse perfectly.

His super-hearing picked up the sound of a car rolling up towards the house. He and Shelby were on the other side of the barn, out of sight, but he could hear the faint riffs of stadium rock blasting out of the stereo, the tapping of fingers on the steering wheel to something purporting to be rhythm, and a singing voice that could readily be confused for an angry cat. Yep, Lois was back and this was going to be fun. This was payback!

She shut off the engine and got out of the car, taking her bag with her. Shelby rounded the corner of the barn, tail wagging, and set off towards his other favourite person, barking excitedly. She knew to steady her footing while waiting for the inevitable front paws to reach up and lightly grab her leg or hip as well as to control the inevitable sneezing fit that followed. Lois loved Shelby really and didn't mind petting him but the irritation to her nasal passages meant she had to pretend to want him to stay at arm's length. Shelby seemed excited to head back round the barn again so she assumed that Clark must be somewhere over there since Shelby always liked to hang around Clark whenever he was working on the farm, unless it was too cold or unless Lois was there too. She was the preferred choice of company although Shelby was happiest when they were all together.

"Shelby, you know, given that I once ran you over, you certainly do like to roll out the welcome mat huh?"

Lois walked round the side of the barn and was stopped in her tracks by the sight in front of her. Clark was standing there arms folded and with a huge grin on his face and Shelby had taken to nuzzling around her legs. Both were irritating enough but it was something else which was causing her blood pressure to rise. If she were a cartoon, her face would be bright red, her features contorted into the very epitome of rage and with steam coming out of her ears. It was entirely possible that the air within 10 feet of her was that of mid-summer. Or maybe the fiery pits of hell. She was apoplectic.

"Smallville, you didn't!" she growled in a low and menacing tone.

The reason for her current state was the snowman (or more accurately, snow-woman) standing beside Clark. The head had straw for hair shaped into a loose ponytail. The stones used for the facial features had been set into an angry scowl - very much like her current face in fact - and it had arms made of branches splayed out so the overall pose was of hands on hips. It seemed to be reasonably well represented in the chest area, even under the layer of clothing. Said layer of clothing was a set of flannel pajamas with pictures of fruit on them. The hair on the head was being held in place by a sleeping mask with the words "Do Not Disturb" on it. By the legs (and they actually were separate legs judging by the way the apparel had been fitted properly) were a pair of very sodden and sorry looking fluffy bunny slippers.

Yes, Clark Kent had raided his room, grabbed Lois' night clothes and made merry out in the snow [A/N: Not in any weird cross-dressing way!]. He was beaming with pride alright.

"Hey Lois, I'd like you to meet Snowis. She's bossy, bad-tempered and doesn't listen to a word I say. I'm trying to think who she reminds me of," said Clark, clearly enjoying the moment and making a big show of his last statement by stroking his chin as if paused in thought. Shelby had long since started nuzzling Snowis' legs.

Lois was about ready to pop a vein and practically roared out, "SMALLVILLE! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TOOK MY PAJAMAS AND SLIPPERS! THIS IS NOT FUNNY AT ALL. YOU ARE SO DEAD!" If there'd been a flock of birds anywhere nearby, they'd have all flown off as if startled by a gunshot.

With that, she stomped off back around the barn towards her car. Jonathan and Martha had heard the yelling from the house and had already stepped outside to see what was going on when they saw Lois marching towards them with a face like thunder. Martha had been baking cakes all morning for a party at a neighbour's house later that night, and was in the middle of taking photos of the cake display. She was still holding the camera as she and Jonathan stepped out of the house to see what was going on. They stole a quick confused glance at each other before Martha piped up in her soft motherly tone, "What happened, Lois?"

"Hey, Mrs Kent. Mr Kent. You guys have always been great to me, so it's only fair I should warn you both that that son of yours is now on my list!" Lois huffed before heading back to her car and driving off.

Clark's parents looked at each other again and walked round the barn to where Clark and Shelby were still admiring Snowis. Just like when Lois had first seen Clark's work of art, they stopped and stood, mouths agape. Jonathan was first to let out a full-bellied roar of laughter which made Clark grin even wider. Martha eyed her husband and son for a moment with a look of mild rebuke on her face for their bad manners towards their house guest, but even she couldn't help but break out into a fit of laughter at the sight before her.

"Hey mom, is that the camera? C'mon, take a picture of us with Snowis!"

Martha raised her eyebrows at the name but took a few snaps anyway.


	5. Call it a tie?

**Chapter 5: Call it a tie?**

Lois got back to the house late in the evening, shortly before 11:00. She'd spent most of the past few hours chewing Chloe's ear off about farmboys and medieval torture methods. More than once Chloe had tuned her cousin out with thoughts of driving to the farm to see this epic creation for herself. It couldn't possibly be as funny as Lois had inadvertently made it sound, could it?

Jonathan and Martha were at their neighbour's party and had taken the truck. She knew Clark would be home and the downstairs lights were on anyway. The barn had been locked for the night. She got out of her warm car and trudged up to the house. It had remained cold all day but hadn't snowed again and despite the cold, most of the snow had melted. She walked into the house, petting Shelby who had walked up to her with much less energy than earlier, sneezed a couple of times and looked over to the couch in the living room. Clark was there flicking through the TV channels. Without saying a word, she walked upstairs to his room and switched on the light. On the bed she saw her flannel pajamas perfectly folded having clearly been washed and dried, the sleeping mask on top and what looked like brand new bunny slippers.

She sighed and walked up to the pile and noticed a manila envelope partially tucked underneath. She shut the door, went back to the bed and opened the envelope. Inside was a hand-written note as well as a couple of photographs. She read the note first.

 _Hey Lois,_

 _Sorry if I made you mad earlier but you have to admit you had it coming for the scarecrow prank._

 _Snowis didn't want to hang around either. She shed all your clothes and decided to run away. Shelby wasn't sure whether to go after her. I think he prefers the cosy comforts of home too._

 _Just to show you I'm really a nice guy, I even went and got you a new pair of bunny slippers. I had to go to so many shops and got plenty of funny looks when I showed them what I was looking for but I eventually tracked down a pair. Hope you like 'em._

 _At this point it's probably fair to call it a tie._

 _Hope you like the photos too._

 _No hard feelings,_

 _Clark (Smallville).  
_

Lois folded the note and looked at the two photographs. The first one had Clark standing beside Snowis with two thumbs up and a massive grin on his face. Shelby was nuzzling Snowis' leg. The second photo had Clark stood next to Snowis mimicking the pose and facial expression of his creation.

She couldn't help but let out a giggle. Clark was the one guy who could annoy her beyond comprehension but at the same time, he was one of the sweetest and most generous guys she'd ever met. She looked at the photos and said quietly to herself, "Yeah Smallville, I'd say it's fair to call it a tie."

Unbeknownst to her, Clark had heard her and coerced a confused Shelby into a high-five in the living room. _These two are crazy for sure but I can't get enough of them._

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 **FIN.**


End file.
